delayed ng isang buwan

andrew4378 wrote:

AMO - Inday, naalis mo na ba yun mantsa sa barong ko ?

INDAY - Yes sir !

AMO - Good, anong pinang-alis mo ?

INDAY - Sir, GUNTING po

oo nga naman sguradong alis yun hehehehe

It’s the Chinese new year (of the Ox) and I have a list of new Chinese names:

• Born different — Eva Yan

• Born tiny — Kathy Ting

• Born on Sunday — Lyn Go

• Born with picture — Lara Huan

• Born with sweets — Ken Dy

• Born normal — Nat Ting Wong

• Born abnormal — Sam Ting Wong or Ty Lee Ling (in Mandarin)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wz1W_omigwg


Nawala ang Antok ko nito- basta matatawa ka-

Sundin:
1. Hayaan mo mag load ang Video
2. Lakasan mo ang Speaker to Full (Kasi Mahina ang Sound)

Panoorin- Matatawa ka- Double Click mo ang Video para mas malaki

C Boy At Juan (pandak) naguusap
Boy: Juan, bakit ang pandak mo?
Juan: Kasi, bata pa lang ako, ulila na ako.
Boy: Anong kaugnayan nun sa pagiging pandak mo?
Juan: Sira pala ulo mo! Wala ngang nagpalaki sa akin!

Doc: kambal anak mo. sister mo nagbigay ng names
Ina: eh tanga un doc, ano pinangalan sa mga anak ko?
Doc: sa girl, DENICE.
Ina: aba, ok un! eh sa boy?
Doc: DENEPHEW..

Sa 1 Beerhouse
Bartender: Sir, napansin ko bawat inom ninyo tumitingin kayo sa bulsa ninyo.
Customer: Ahh, ito? Picture ng asawa ko ito… pag maganda na siya sa tingin ko uuwi na ako.

Son: Ma, bakit kayo tumatalbog sa ibabaw ni daddy?
Mom: Wala anak, pinapaliit ko lang tiyan ng Daddy mo.
Son: Nye! Mapapagod ka lang kasi hinihipan din uli yan ni yaya!


______________________



doc: iho, bakit mo naman sinapak yung lalaki kanina?
Boy: e doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako sa resulta ng AIDS test! tapos sasabihin pa niya...
THINK POSITIVE pare!

No Toilet Paper"
>
> Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
> faithful and loving wives.
>
> However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
> Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they
> stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she
> thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend,
> however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not
> want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
> that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
>
>
> After the girls did their business, they proceeded t o go home. The
> next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
> sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned
> the other husband and said, 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm
> starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
> 'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
> stuck to her butt that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station.
> We'll never forget you.'

Animal game

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.

She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?". Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

MERALCO BOY-HARI NG PALUSOT

8am meralco boy nagdoorbell sa isang bahay.
TINGLE TINGLE TINGLE..

MERALCO BOY : MERALCO……..
Pag bukas ng pinto, bumungad sa kanyang harapan.
seksing babae naka nighties…
SEXY : Wala dito mister ko. Balik ka bukas.. Agahan mo.
( Sabay kindat sa Meralco Boy )

7am Meralco boy nagdoorbell sa bahay ni sexy
TINGLE TINGLE TINGLE

MERALCO BOY : MERALCO……..
Pag bukas ng pinto, bumungad sa kanyang harapan.
si sexy, wala ng nighties, panty at bra na lang
SEXY : Wala dito mister ko. Balik ka bukas.. Mas agahan mo.
( Sabay kindat ulit kay Meralco Boy )

6am Meralco boy nagdoorbell sa bahay ni sexy
TINGLE TINGLE TINGLE

MERALCO BOY : MERALCO……..
Pag bukas ng pinto, bumungad sa kanyang harapan.
si sexy, wala ng bra, nakapanty na lang
SEXY : Wala pa din dito mister ko. Balik ka bukas..agahan mo.
( Sabay kindat at kagat labi )

Sabi ng Meralco Boy sa sarili.
MERALCO BOY : " May tama talaga sa akin to si sexy. Bukas
cgurado wala na tong panty, kaya bukas bago ako magdoorbell
maghuhubo na ko. Para diretso na!!! "

4:30am Meralco boy nagdoorbell sa bahay ni sexy
TINGLE TINGLE TINGLE

MERALCO BOY : ( nakahubo na ), MERALCO……...
Pag bukas ng pinto, bumungad sa kanyang harapan.
Ang MISTER ni SEXY


MERALCO BOY :….. PAG HINDI KAYO NAGBAYAD NG
KURYENTE NYO!!!!!!. IIHIAN KO TONG PINTUAN NYO !!!!!!!!

guy went to CR and sit on the throne when he heard sum1 came in the next cubicle. The guy in the next cubicle started talking to him. "pare kamusta ka na?" He hesitantly answered, "ah ok lang." He asked again, "ano ginagawa mo jan?" Unknowing wat to say he answered, "eto ume-ebs". Again the guy speaks, "pare tawagan kita mamaya. may sumasagot d2 sa tabi ko".

UWI NA TAu
SA ISANG LAMAY..

Pedro : juan lika na mauna na tayo.
Juan : baket?
Pedro : ndi mu ba nkita ung sign "REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED"



ANG BIYENAN!
JUAN: Saan ka galing?
PEDRO: Sa sementeryo, libing ng biyenan ko!!!
JUAN: E bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo??
PEDRO: Mahirap ilibing eh... LUMALABAN!



Praying for 10 Pesos
Sa loob ng simbahan ng Quiapo, isang batang pulubi ang mataimtim na nanalangin sa Diyos.

Pulubi: "Panginoon kung maaari po sana ay bigyan ninyo ako ng sampung piso dahil gutom na gutom na lang po ako."

Narinig sya ng isang pulis na kasalukuyan ding nagsisimba at bumilib sya sa katatagan ng bata sa pananampalataya sa Diyos. Sa kanyang habag ay dumukot sya ng limang piso at iniabot sa bata na ang sabi: "Amang, narinig ng Diyos ang panalangin mo at heto tanggapin mo ang perang ito at ibili mo ng pagkain".

Tumingala ang bata sa pulis, kinuha nya ang limang pisong iniabot at muling yumuko para manalangin: "Panginoon, salamat po sa pagdinig ninyo sa aking panalangin, pero sana naman po sa uli-uli wag na ninyong pararaanin pa sa pulis, kasi malaki na ang bawas".

Sequel to A Love Story (Nose Bleed!!!) best of inday
>
> It was jazz an ordinary day. The skies were clear, the birds were
> chipping. Ang ganda-ganda ng araw!
>
> Nasa SM ako noon at katatapos ko lang mamili ng groceries. Timing
> naman nasa foodcore si Angel Locsin, nagpro-provoke ng movie nya.
> Grabe, andaming fans, pull-packed talaga! Dahil fans nya rin ako,
> nakipila rin ako.
>
> Then suddenly, out of the loo, may bumulong sa akin ng:
> "Indaaaayyyy......"
>
> Huh? It sounded like a familiar sound. Who can it be now? "Dodong!"
> sigaw ko.
>
> Napalakas yata voice ko. Kasi the other fans turned their backs to
> their behind at napatingin sa amin. Sabi ko "Sorry, I didn't mean to
> be loud and proud." Hinawakan na lang ni Dodong ang kamay ko at
> lumayo kami from the crowd.
>
> "Kamusta na Inday? Do you come here open? tanong nya.
>
> "Bihira lang, Dodong. I'm just droppings by. Ethnic and schedule ko
> eh" sabi ko.
>
> Memories came flushing in my mind. How can I forget to remember
> Dodong? Siya na may mata ni Piolo, dimple ni Aga, at bigote ni Rex
> Cortez. he's every woman's dreamboat. I was just starting my tour of
> duty kay ate noon nang unang makilala ko si Dodong. Contraction
> worker siya sa ginagawang bahay sa tapat namin. Naging kami for a
> while then after that were not an item anymore.
>
> "Tanghali na Inday. What did you say we have lunch together?" tanong
> ni Dodong. "I don't mine" sagot ko. Sa restaurant, nilapitan kaagad
> kami ng waiter. "What's your odor sir?" Sabi nung waiter kay Dodong.
>
> "Do you have porkshop?" tanong ni Dodong.
>
> "Yes sir" sabi nito. "Our porkshop with a resistance to the teeth of
> Boast of our chef. Domestic careful selection of pork with little fat
> of Female liking is used. The exquisite cooking which repeated trial
> and error and Was completed. it also has healthy vegetables with
> salad feeling fully" Dagdag niya.
>
> "And you mam?" sabay tingin naman sa akin.
>
> Hmmm... mukhang masarap yung porkshop. Pero I'm cutting down on my
> carbon kaya pinigilan ko.
>
> "I'll just have water, thanks. Liquidate diet ako eh." sagot ko.
>
> Pagkatapos kumain, nagyaya si Dodong manood ng sine. Teka teka, this
> is going too far. Besides, it's a long, long way to run.
>
> "Reality chess, Dodong. May asawa na ako, si Jay. As a mother of
> fact, I'm happily married" pagmamalaki ko.
>
> "Di na pwede yung tulad ng dati. Sorry pero I didn't expect you still
> have more feelings than I expected. i don't want you getting the way.
> Past is fast. Therefore, cause and defect." dagdag ko pa.
>
> Tumahimik sya. Parang may language barrel na namagitan sa amin. The
> Seconds that passed seemed like fraternity. Di nagla-on, nagsalita na
> rin sya.
>
> "I don't care less!" sigaw ni Dodong.
>
> Shocks, give me a brake! The nerd ng taong ito para sigawan ako! To
> Think it's his other woman that caused our separation to part.
>
> Kinabahan na ako. I felt speedbumps all over my body and was having
> Panic attach. Tinalikuran ko siya at nagmadali akong lumakad palayo.
> Pero Sumunod pa rin siya like a monkey on my butt. Hanggang sa
> makakita ako ng Security guard. Biglang nawala si Dodong.
>
> "Excuse me kuya, pwedeng magtanong?" sabi ko sa mamang guard.
>
> "Of course miss, I can help you with my pleasure." sagot niya.
>
> "Saan po ba ang exit? Could you point me to the right erection? I got
> Lost in my eyes."
>
> "Diretso lang." sabi niya. "Then turn right anytime with care."
>
> "Thanks for your corporation" sabi ko.
>
> Buti na lang nandun si kuya. Pero saglit lang, I smell something
> peachy. As I turned, nakita ko na namang nakasunod si Dodong!
> Delaying static lang pala kanina ang pag disappear nya.
>
> "Nyahahaha! You can run but you can hide, Inday. No matter where you
> go, there you are!" pananakot nya.
>
> Oh no, is this the end? This is too much, I feel degradable. My world
> started falling afar.
>
> Then suddenly, Jay come from behind! Dodong was caught to the act! In
> the matter of minute, it's all over. I'm out of arm's way.
>

> "Thanks Jay, my love. But how did you?" bago pa man ako matapos, sabi
> niya:
>
> "I was in the neighborhood. Fans din ako ni Angel eh. I heard you
> shout But at first I didn't give it a thought. Pero nang makita ko
> kayong magkahawak ng holding hands, then i give it a thought. I know
> something is a missed."
>
> >From then on, Dodong did not brother me again. In fact, he didn't
> even sister me. As in platonic at wala na talaga.
>
> Pero kami ni Jay, heto, shoot sailing pa rin ang relationship. Lalo
> pa ngayon, open na kami sa isa't-isa at walang exhibitions. i feel
> I'm on cloud.

ost of these Japanese words are adopted by the Filipino language:


1. I'm warning you - makikitamo

2. Where are we going? - San-batayo?

"Japanese Terms"



3. Is this your s@%t? - TAEMOTO

4. Is this your "hotdog"? - TITEMOTO

5. Are you a virgin? - KIKIMPURA

6. Open your legs - BUKAKANE

7. Blow me - TSUPAMOKO

8. Oh no my wife! - YARIAKO

9. good looking - kamukako

10.bad looking - kamukamo

11. helper - OTOSAN

12. We're cheap - MURAKAMI

13. With lice - MAKOTO

The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said , "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...

SAYINGS TO LIVE BY:
1. birds of the same feathers, are the same birds
2. do not do unto others what you can't do
3. an apple a day is not an apple at night
4. when the cat is away the mouse is alone
5. if others can do it, don't help
6. tell me who ur friends are and i'll tell u mine
7. early to bed and early to rise makes you sleepy in the afternoon
8. ang ilog na tahimik ay malalim, ang ilog na maingay may naglalaba

Merong triplets na nag-uusap sa sinapupunan ng nanay nila

si boy bastos
si boy turero
at si boy pacquiao

Si boy pacquiao ang nasa pinaka ilalim. Sya ang lalabas na pinaka-panganay sa tatlo. Sya yung pinaka-malapit sa pwet ng nanay nila

Isang boring na araw, nagtanong si boy pacquiao.
"mga brad, anu mga pangarap nenyo sa bohay paglaki nyu?"

Sumagot si Boy Bastos- ang pinaka bata sa tatlo
"Gusto kong maging piloto! Para astig diba, pangarap ko kasing lumipad at makapiling ang mga kalapati, mataas man o mababa ang lipad"
note* si boy bastos ay may tendency nang maging bastos bago pa siya i-luwal ng kanyang ina

Sumingit naman si Boy turero- ang middle child
"Gusto kong maging bumbero. Magbo-bomba ako nang magbo-bomba sa harap ng maraming tao kapag may sunog. Pangarap kong magtayo ng fire department sa Escolta at Avenida at kikita ako sa pamamagitan ng pagbobomba
note* si boy turero ay makikitang proud sa kanyang pagiging lalaki, bago pa man sya mabuhay sa mundo

Ngunit sa mga narinig, nagalit si Boy Pacquiao--ang pinakamatanda at laging naka-simangot sa magkakapatid.
"e mga bubo pala kayung mga anemal kayu e. Poro kaseyahang pangsarele ang mga pangarap nenyo. Ako gosto kong mageng buksengero!!!"

"kuya.... bakit naman? Anong klaseng pangarap naman yan?" tanong ni bastos at ni turero

Galit na sumagot si Boy Pacquiao
"Gosto kong matotong magtanggol sa sarele ko at para sa Phelippens. You know...."

"bakit kuya, may umaapi ba sayo?" tanong ni bastos at ni turero

Sumagot si Boy Pacquiao
"kase tuweng gabi palaging may pomapasok deto na kalbo. Benubukseng ba ako....! Kaya nga lage akong puyat at mokha na akung doleng sa kaka-bondol sa mokha ko. At kapag kinakagat kagat, hinahampas hampas at hinehela ko yung kalbo... aba dinodoraan ba naman ako. Kopal talaga"
note*Yan ang dahilan kung bakit naging champion si Manny. Hindi nya nalilimutan ang mga pangyayari at yun ang ini-imagine nya lagi twing Mexicano ang mga kalaban nya. It fuels his rage inside the ring.

note*Yan din ang dahilan kung bat mukhang duling siya.

Judge: “Miss ilang beses ka ba ni-rape nitong akusado? ”
Rape Victim: “Tatlong beses po! ”
Rapist: “Sinungaling, Dalawang beses lang. ”
Rape Victim: “Bakit, di ba Counted yung nasa Ibabaw ako? ”


Nagbalikbayan ang anak ni Karyo after 20 years sa Amerika. Isang umaga, nag-usap ang mag-ama:
KARYO: “John, marami akong ITINURO sa ating bagong maid. ”
BALIKBAYAN JOHN: “Dad, please speak in English!! ”
KARYO: “John, I fingered our new maid many times! ”


1 day i read
smoking is bad
i stop smoking
1 day i read
drinking is bad
i stop drinking
1 day i read
sex is bad

ay naku!..

I stop reading..
Reading is bad!!


GF: Hon, pag hawak ko ang bote ng softdrinks na ito.. naaalala ko ang ex-BF ko…

BF: eh ako, kelan mo ako naaalala??

GF: kapag subo ko na ang STRAW!!!



Mr: pag namatay ka.. isusulat ko sa nitso mo.. “ Malamig noong buhay… mas malamig noong namatay!!”

Mrs: Ah ganon ba??? Sa nitso mo naman ilalagay ko.. “ Sa wakas tumigas din!!!”



PGMA: I am planning to STOP POVERTY and MASS STARVATION!!!

Erap: alam mo Gloria yung POVERTY madaling pigilin, pero ang MASTURBATION human rights violation yan!!!

:grinny: naka 7pages na pla ako :grinny:

nice jokes...

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why the groom wearing black?"

andrew4378 wrote:

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why the groom wearing black?"

nyahahahha.. oo nga naman.. malamang shotgun wedding yun

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

hanapin mu naiiba sa picture na to pls

http://www.tekzoned.com/twophotos/

yan po ung picture