delayed ng isang buwan

May ari: hoy!!! Huling huli kita!!! ikaw pala nagnanakaw ng niyog ko!! bumaba ka dyan!!!

Magnanakaw: huli kung huli!!! hindi yung ginugulat mo pa ako!!! eh paano kung mahulog ako dito!!! pakyu!!!

------------ --------- --------- -

Praying for 10 Pesos Sa loob ng simbahan ng Quiapo, isang batang pulubi ang mataimtim na nanalangin sa Diyos.

Pulubi: "Panginoon kung maaari po sana ay bigyan ninyo ako ng sampung piso dahil gutom na gutom na lang po ako."

Narinig sya ng isang pulis na kasalukuyan ding nagsisimba at bumilib sya sa katatagan ng bata sa pananampalataya sa Diyos. Sa kanyang habag ay dumukot sya ng limang piso at iniabot sa bata na ang sabi: "Amang, narinig ng Diyos ang panalangin mo at heto tanggapin mo ang perang ito at ibili mo ng pagkain".

Tumingala ang bata sa pulis, kinuha nya ang limang pisong iniabot at muling yumuko para manalangin: "Panginoon, salamat po sa pagdinig ninyo sa aking panalangin, pero sana naman po sa uli-uli wag na ninyong pararaanin pa sa pulis, kasi malaki na ang bawas".

Patuwad
Isang araw sumakay ng Bus si Lola
Konduktor: Lola psensiya na po kc puno na! Payag po ba kyo ng Patayo?
Lola: Tinamaan ka ng Lintek kung inabot mo lang ang kabataan ko, kahit patuwad payag ako!

peace and order

prez bush and erap visited mindanao.Bush: By d way mr. president hows d present peace n order here in mindanao?Erap: A ung fish marami d2 pro ung order wala pa!!!

Erap & d' Steward

Steward: Sir r u done? ~ Erap: No, i'm Erap ~ Steward: i mean r u finished sir? ~ Erap: No, i'm a Filipino ~ Steward: i mean r u through? ~ Erap: Wat do u think of me FALSE?
------------ --------- --------- ------

kung totoo ang "Darwin's theory of evolution" na ang tao ay namula sa unggoy

Bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo???
Baka another theory noh???

------------ --------

did you know that
-cockroaches have fingers and nails??
-rats can cure diabetes??
-ballpens in the earlier times are used as needles in making umbrellas??
-the saliva of a horse is used in making cheese??

galing noh??
Lahat yan imbento ko lang... hahahaha

------------ --------

Life depends on the way you think. For example, read this: Mypenisinhermouth.

What did u read?? My pen is in her mouth.

or did your dirty mind read something else???

------------ --------

Boy: musta???
Girl: k lang. kaw?
Boy:k lang din. hehehe.
Girl:hehehe. .

sa Globe Unlitxt, walang kuwenta ang usapan. hahahaha

------------ --------

Amo: mula ngayon, walang magsasalita ng ingles. ang sinomang magpadugo ng ilong ko at ng anak ko
palalayasin sa pamamahay na ito!!! klaro ba??
Inday: ang mga namutawi sa iyong mga labi ay mataman ko pong iimbak sa sulog ng aking balintataw,
sa kaibuturan ng aking puso, gugunamgunamin, aariing salik ng aba at payak kong kabatiran. tatalikdin ang matayog
at palalong banyagang wika, manapay kakalingain, bibigkasin at sakdal timyas na sasabitin ang aking sangkalooban

inday scores again!!!

------------ --------

health tips based on research:
headache-eat fish
fever-yogurt
prevent stroke-tea
insomnia-honey
asthma-onions
arthritis-fish
upset stomach-banana and ginger
bladder infxn-cranberry juice
bone problem-pineapple
premenstrual syndrome-cornflakes
memory problem-oyster
colds-garlic
cough-red pepper

Broken heart??

COLT45!!!
Todo Lakas!!!
------------ --------

a blackman, a whiteguy, and a pinoy were in the bar when a sexy lady comes up and says,
"whoever can use the words liver and cheese with style will be my date tonight"

White: steak that liver and melt that cheese on me
Black: i hate liver but i love cheese as i love you
Pinoy: hey, you two!!! Liver alone!!! Cheese mine!!! yeh!!!

------------ --------

the pinoy love
as if walang pakialam pero deep inside worried na.. miss na miss na...
pero nagtext.. so what?? daw pero later magrereply din naman...
pa-erase-erase pa ng number kunwari pero.. hello.. memorize naman yung number...
kapag hindi tinitxt ng mahal niya kunwari na wrowrong send para magpapansin. ..
ayaw magtxt pero nagtatanong sa barkada ng mahal niya kung kumusta na...

hay... Love nga naman sa Pinas oh.. Pang adik!!!

------------ ---------
Musta ang lovelife???


... eto self supporting!! !
------------ ---------

kadalasan, binabase ng mga girls sa itsura kung mamahalin ang isang guy...
pero hindi dapat ganun...
hindi nmn sa mukha nakikita yun eh...
kundi sa loob...
ng brief.. hehehe...

------------ ---------

bakit walang kitchen ang motel???


dahil sa kama pa lang eat all you can na!!!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

sakaling dumating ang
oras na umiiyak ka,
huwag kang magdadalawang
isip na magtxt or tawagan ako
dahil ibibili kita ng ice cream
tsaka lobo tapos hindi
natin sila bati... Smiley

------------ --------- -------

i hope ok ka lang today... umiiyak ako ngayon.. i have a big problem..
txt ako sa yo to ask for your help.. can u help we with my problem??



paano ba mag-ihaw ng YELO???

------------ --------- -------

Patient: Doc i have problem but promise you wont laugh

(drops his pants and shows the tiniest penis ever)

doc trying not to laugh: Ok whats the problem

Patient: namamaga po eh

------------ --------- --------

Konting pampam lan...

Use DEDICATE in a sentence...
kapag ginamitan mo yan ng glue for sure DEDICATE yan...

How about CONTINUE..
kahapon ang dami dami nyo bakit ngayon ang CONTINUE....

idagdag pa natin ang VIOLET...
Naholdap yung cellphone ko.. hindi bale.. i'll VIOLET...

eto pa,
OPINION...
papasok ka sa pinto kung OPINION..

eh ang CONCLUSION.. .
siyempre, hindi ka naman makakapasok sa pintuan kung CONCLUSION.. .

------------ --------- --------- -

Guy1: Pare parang i love you...

Guy 2: stop it pare!!!

just prove it!!!!

------------ --------- --------- -

No matter how strong we hold on still there comes a time that we suddenly fall...


---- butiki

------------ --------- --------- -

Masarap daw maging single
1. plagi gumigimik
2. puwede uminom palagi
3. walang nangingialam sa iyo
4. nagagawa mo lahat
5. puwede mong i-date kahit sino

pero pagkatpos ng kasiyahan at nag-iisa ka na. masaya pa rin kaya??

masaya ang single pero mas masaya kung pag-uwi mo may taong naghihintay sa yo at magsasabing

"hubad na!!! sabik na sabik na ako sa iyo!!!"

------------ --------- --------- -

whats worse than finding a worm in the apple you are eating???

kapag nakita mong kalahati na lang yung worm!!!!

------------ --------- --------- -

Things you dont want to hear during your own surgery
1. saan yung gunting na bago???bakit may kalawang na ito??
2. 10ml??? may nakasurvive na ba dyan?? sabi ko 5ml lang!!!
3. doc, ubos na po pala yung anestisya
4. kanina pa bukas yung tiyan, asan na yung pantahi!!!
5. Sunog!!!! sunog!!! labas na kayong lahat!!! sunog !!! sunog!!!

kumusta naman yan!!!

------------ --------- --------- -

Pare1: pare bakit ka tulala!!
Pare2: asawa ko naghire ng driver guwapo, bata at macho
Pare1: bakit?? selos ka??
Pare2: hindi naman, shocked lang ako.. parang masarap siya!!!

------------ --------- --------- -
This is very interesting. dagdag kaalaman din ito.

Chorva has its etymology from the greek word CHEORVAMUS meaning " for lack of the right word to say or in place of something
you want to express but you cannot verbalize"

amazing isn't it??

naniwala ka naman.. Chorva lang yun!!!

------------ --------- --------- -

May ari: hoy!!! Huling huli kita!!! ikaw pala nagnanakaw ng niyog ko!! bumaba ka dyan!!!

Magnanakaw: huli kung huli!!! hindi yung ginugulat mo pa ako!!! eh paano kung mahulog ako dito!!! pakyu!!!

------------ --------- --------- -

alam mo ba kung bakit hulog ka ng langit??

kasi


bawal ka dun!!!

------------ --------- --------- -

A nun riding a taxi
Driver: i'd like to ask a favor if i may, sister i've always fantasized kissing a nun
nun: ok but first you have to be a catholic, 2nd you have to be single
taxi driver: i am both catholic and single
so the nun fulfills the taxi driver fantasy and kiss him
driver: thank you but i must confess.. i lied to you.. i am married and im a muslim
Nun: thats ok.. im on my way to a costume party and my real name is BOYET!!!


-----------------------------------


A funny thing that a child could say:
it was the day of cremation of grandmother of the child. all of the relatives are there and stood in silence
everybody is silent until the child suddenly ask, out of curiosity...


" Ma, hindi pa ba luto???"

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

In a kindergaten class, the little girl asked:
girl: mam, mabubuntis po ba yung 40 yrs old???
teacher: oo
girl: yung 20?
teacher: oo
girl: yung 5 yrs old???
teacher: hindi
(little boy whispered)
boy: sabi sayo... wag kang kabahan!!!

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

Nabangga ni Epay si Inday

Inday: How dare you try to increase your speed towards such a trajetory as myself.
Epay: Please accept my deepest apologies for it was not my utmost intention to colide you.
Inday: if i coudl logically deduce from such action, i say that you are uncivilized
Epay: but i have to say that it happened is because the intense mental concentration had shielded you from my range of vision

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

gawa ng lungkot ng mga mexicano kay Pacquiao matapos talunin sina Barrera, Marquez, Larios, Marquez at Solis.
ilalaban na ang huling alas nila...


si Zorro!!!!

------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

Presinto naholdap ang mga pasahero ng jeep

Pulis: ano ang tinangay sa yo??
Boy: 500 po saka 330 ko
Misis: tinangay po ung P3000 ko. Pangtuition ng anak ko!!!
Pulis: at ikaw naman miss???
Inday: huhuhuhu!!! Those fucking bastards!! they took my Summer 2007 Balenciaga black messenger bag loaded with my Apple iPhone
8GB, D&G Light blue, my technomarine wristwatch and my Shuuemura cosmetics!! i hope those worthless rotten despicable beings get burned in hell!!

------------ --------- --------- --------- -------



Boy: sigurado ka bang akin yan pinagbubuntis mo???
Girl: oo naman!!! tatlo na ang tinanong ko hindi daw kanila!! ikaw na lang ang natitira kaya sigurado ako sa iyo talaga ito!!!


-----------------------------------------------

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected
unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
job history, lineage, and current medical report from
your doctor.

NAME________ _________ _________ _________ __ DATE OF
BIRTH_______ ______

HEIGHT______ _____ WEIGHT______ ______ IQ__________
GPA_________ ____

SOCIAL SECURITY #___________ ______ DRIVERS LICENSE
#___________ _____

BOY SCOUT RANK AND
BADGES______ _________ _________ _________ _________

HOME ADDRESS_____ _________ _________
CITY/STATE__ _________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

Number of years they have been married
____________ _________ _________

If less than your age, explain
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE,
DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY
DAUGHTER' mean to you?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to
you?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ___

How often you attend
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? ____________ _

mother? ____________ _

pastor? ____________ _

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely,
all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot
would be:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken
is my:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

C: A woman's place is in the:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask
me about is:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
____________ _________ ______

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about
her first is:

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
____________ ______

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE
AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH,
DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,
ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON
KISS TORTURE.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name,
moron!)

____________ _________ _________ _
____________ _________ _________ __
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

____________ _________ _________ _
____________ _________ _________ __
Pastor/Priest/ Rabbi State Representative/ Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be
genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call or write (since you probably
can't, and it would cause you injury). If your
application is rejected, you will be notified by two
gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for
Dating.

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if
you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking
anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands
off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that
they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't
take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose this
compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,
and I will not object. However, in order to ensure
that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can
kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am
the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get
to know each other, we should talk about sports,
politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter
safely back at my house, and the only word I need from
you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with
me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise,
once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished
with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do
not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the
movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer
than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just
standing there, why don't you do something useful,
like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date
with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas,
or anything softer than a wooden stool Places where
there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to
wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka
- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies
which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are
okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,
balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on
issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you
are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell
me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me
to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a
chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When
my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait
for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull
into the driveway you should exit the car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your
car - there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Man: BArtender, give me a bottle of whisky! And make it quick!

Bartender: What are you so upset about?

Man: I'll tell you why I'm upset about! Just give me thet whisky.

Bartender: (places a bottle of whisky, a glass and an ice tray at the bar) Okay, what?

Man: I met his Babe and then we were in her house and we were about to f*ck when her husband arrived.

Bartender: Man, that would really be upsetting.

Man: That's not the point! The underside of the bed was crammed with stuff and I can't hide in the toilet coz she says her husband would surely go in there. I had to hang from the ledge of her window.

Bartender: That would really get me upset.

Man: That's not the point either! Turns out that the bowl was clogged so he wasn't able to take a cr@p in there so what he did was just stick his @$$ out of the window and cr@p at my face.

Bartender: (Whistles) Woah...

Man: And that's not all. Immediately after that, he f*cked his wife and she was moaning like crazy. She was practically screaming.

Bartender: You must be really upset at that huh?

Man: No, that's not it.

Bartender: Then What?

Man: When they were done, I looked down and I saw that my feet were only two feet from the ground!

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a youngcouple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...
do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us
both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'


His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love
you, too.

Street Vendor : "bili na kayo ng relo! Gold watch Ito!
> pag namuti, white gold!
> pag huminto stopwatch!"


Ganito magbigay ng masamang balita...

KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling
araw....
"Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po
ito, 'yung katiwala niyo sa
bahay-bakasyun an niyo."
"O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano't
napatawag ka? May problema ba?
"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan
kayo na namatay ang alaga niyong parrot."
"'Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay?
'Yung nanalo sa bird show?
"Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po."
"Putris ... sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng
nagastos ko sa ibong 'yon. Hay, buhay!
Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?"
"E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...."
"Bulok na karne? At sino namang
salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng
bulok na karne?"
"W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne
ng isang patay na kabayo."
"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo,
Mr Arnaldo?"
"E, 'yun pung mga thoroughbred horses
niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat sila sa
pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig."
"Nasisira an ka na ba ng bait? Anong
kariton ng tubbbiiiiggggg?"
"'Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."
"Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman 'yang
pinagsasasa bi mo?"
"'Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay
niyo.... Tumumba po 'yung isang
nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab
'yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang
apoy...."
"Ano? Puuut.... E, may kuryente naman
diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, a. Para saan
'yung kandila?"
"Para sa burol po."
"Ano? Kaninong burol?
"Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya
dumating dito nu'ng isang gabi, walang
kaabi-abis o. Lampas hatinggabi na. Akala
ko po magnanakaw. Binaril ko."

ou Idiot..

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Bring to me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and hanged-up.
Flag this post as off-topic

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date
via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a
secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As
soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a
firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
months later a
blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You`ve Got Male!"

Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says,"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on thedresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But Iguess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

Jeepney Driver: Hoy bakit sais alng ang binayd mo?! Syete na pamasahe naguon!

Inday: I am currently enrooled in a 2-year vocational course in an academic institution. therefore, I am a student and, by this fact, I am entitled to have the inalienable right to avail of a certain discount on my jeepney fare. This is why I provided a payment less than what you expected because that is according to the law as stated in the fare matrix.

Driver: (nosebleed)

CHINESE NAMES
> Born during the night - Andy Lim
> Born blind - Kenneth Sy
> Born being swindled - Lino Co
> Born while cooking - Nilo Toh
> Born as 10th child - Sam Po
> Born while being courted - Lily Gaw
> Born fat - Bob Uy
> Born little - Kathy Ting
> Born different - Eva Yan
> Born with porridge - Lino Gaw
> Born looking for someone - Allen Sia
> Born while counterfeiting - Faye King
> Born during Sunday - Lyn Go
> Born with malice - Mali Sia
> Born angry with someone - Ally Tan
> Born with picture - Lara Huan
> Born with sweets - Ken Dy
> Born undefined - Sam Ting
> Born while taking a bath - Lily Go
> Born not to take a bath - Dinah Lily Go
> Born while buying - Bill Lee
> Born secretly - Tina Go
> Born to pass flatus - Otto Tin
> Born ugly - Kaw Yan.........
May reklamo ka??? - Nath Ting (hehehehe)

salamat sa mga jokes nyo kanina seryoso ako ngaun masaya na ako :halakhak:

Pulubi: Boss, palimos po.

Tonyo: Iinom ka o magyoyosi?

Pulubi: Wala po akong bisyo.

Tonyo: Okey. Sumama ka sa akin para malaman ng nanay ko ang nangyayari sa taong walang bisyo.

------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: ano ang pambansang ibon?
BOY: chicken?
TEACHER: hindi! kulay brown ito!
BOY: fried chicken!
TEACHER: hindi! mas maliit ito sa chicken.
BOY: knorr chicken cubes!
TEACHER: get out!

-----------------------------------------------

The Philippine presidents flying in a plane.
GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to
make
at least 1 Filipino happy?
CORY: but my dear, why don't you throw 2 checks for half a million
each
and thus make 2 Filipinos happy?
RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and
make four Filipinos happy?
And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out:
"but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window
and make all the Filipinos happy?"

-------------------------------------------------
ITAY wag po...

Dear Charo,


Nais kong ikuwento sa inyo ang namagitan sa amin ng aking itay isang gabi.Hindi ko kayang makalimutan kahit anong bahagi ng gabing iyon. Malakas angulan noon. Katatapos ko pa lamang maligo at nakatapis pa lamang sa loob ngaking kuwarto.Narinig ko si Itay na kumakatok sa aking pinto. Nang sagutin ko ang pintoay sinabi niya na kailangan daw naming magusap. Pinapasok ko naman po siyadahil ama ko po siya.Nagulat na lamang ako nang isarado at ikinandado ang pinto. Hinawakan ni Itay ang braso ko. Napasigaw ako, sabi ko "ITAY huwag, anak mo ako!".Ngunit hindi tumigil ang aking Itay. Ipinagpatuloy niya ang kanyang ginawa.Pumikit na lamang ako dahil sa ayaw kong makita ang mukha ng aking tatay sakanyang ginagawa.Naririnig ko si Inay na binubulabog ang pinto. Sumisigaw na, "Hayop ka wag mong gawin yan sa anak mo." Ngunit wala pa rin. Ipinaubaya ko na lamang ang sarili ko sa Diyos.Pagkalagpas ng ilang oras ay natapos din ang aking Itay. Nang humarap ako sa salamin ay nagulat ako sa aking nakita. Magaling naman pala mag-make-up si Itay. Noong gabi na iyon ay nagladlad ng kapa si Itay.Bakla pala siya. Natuwa ako at mahusay ang kanyang ginawa. Naisip ko na matutuwa ang aking boyfriend dahil sa ganda ko. Nagyakapan kami doon at nagiyakan.Masaya na kami ngayon at walang problema.

Yours truly,

BADONG

Sperm count

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, and no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

Nag-aaral ako sa La Salle.


Ang dami kong kaklaseng Intsik. Apelyidong Uy, Lim, Tan, Co, Go, Chua,


Chi, Sy, Wy, at kung anu-ano pa. Pero sa kanilang lahat kay Gilbert Go


ako naging malapit. Mayaman si Gilbert kaya mangyari pa, madalas siya


ang taya sa tuwing gigimik ang barkada.


Isang araw na-ospital ang kanyang ama. Sinamahan ko siya sa pagdalaw.


Nasa ICU na noon ang kanyang ama dahil sa stroke. Naron din ang ilan


sa kanyang malalapit na kamag-anak.


Nag-usap sila. Intsik ang kanilang usapan.... hindi ko maintindihan.


Pagkatapos ng ilang minutong usap-usap, nagkayayaan nang umuwi. Maiwan


daw muna ako at pakibantayan ang kanyang ama habang inihahatid nya ang


kanyang mga kamag-anak palabas ng ospital. Lumipat ako sa gawing


kaliwa ng kama ng kanyang ama para ilapag ang mga iniwan nilang mga


gamit na kakailanganin ng magbabantay sa ospital. Nang akmang ilalapag


ko na ay biglang nangisay ang matanda.



Hinahabol nya ang kanyang hininga... Kinuyom nya ang kanyang palad at


paulit-ulit siyang nagsalita ng wikang intsik na hindi ko maintindihan.



"Di ta guae yong khee"..... "Di ta guae yong khee"... "Di ta guae yong


khee".. paulit-ulit nya itong binigkas bago siya malagutan ng hininga.



Pagbalik ni Gilbert ay patay na ang kanyang ama. Ikinagulat nya ang


pangyayari ngunit marahil ay tanggap na rin nya na papanaw na ang


kanyang ama. Walang tinig na namutawi sa kanyang bibig. Ngunit iyon


na yata ang pinakamasidhing pagluha na nasaksihan ko.


Nagpa-alam muna ako, dahil siguradong magdadatingin uli ang kanyang mga


kamag-anak.


Sumakay ako ng taksi pauwi. Habang nasa taksi.. tinawagan ko ang iba


pa naming kabarkada. Una kong tinawagan si Noel Chua. Dahil marunong


si Noel mag-intsik, tinanong ko muna kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng "Di


ta guae yong khee".





"Huwag mong apakan ang oxygen. "... "Bakit saan mo ba narinig 'yan?".

OLD CHINESE IN DEATH BED

"Akyen junior 'ndyan ba?" "Dito po!"

"Akyen panganay 'ndyan ba?" "Dito po!"

"Akyen daughter 'ndyan ba?" "Dito po!"

"Akyen asawa 'ndyan ba?" "Dito din po!"

"Walahiya! Dito kayo lahat! Wala tao tindahan!"

***

bro pwede ka ba ma hire para lang mag patawa sakin... hehehehehhe!! nice jokes... u really make me LOL!!!!

:belat: pwedeng pwede maam

f Only You Had Looked


Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."

heheheeh, ang saya naman ng mga jokes dito...

Battle of the Brainless

Host: What "N" (narra) is the national tree of the Philippines?
Contestant: Niyog?

Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.
Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!

*********

Host: Saan "B" (Bagumbayan) binaril si Jose Rizal?
Contestant: Sa back?

Host: O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" (Luneta).
Contestant: Likod?

Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang initials ng modern name nito. (Rizal Park).
Contestant: Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)

************
Host: Saan "B" (beach) tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Contestant: Banyo?

Host: Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, maaarawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?

Host: Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng naka-bikini.
Contestant: Beerhouse!

************

Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod?
Contestant: Lifebuoy?

Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng ito.
Contestant : Safeguard?

Host: Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
Contestant : Safe Buoy?

Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.
Contestant: Ah, Mr. Clean!

************

Host: Anong "S" (Salbabida) ang ginagamit na flotation device sa dagat upang hindi ka malunod?
Contestant: Sirena?

Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.
Contestant: Siyokoy?

Host: Hindi ito lalake.
Contestant: Siyoke?

************

Host: What "S" (Sampaguita) is the national flower of the Philippines?
Contestant: Sunflower?

Host: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.
Contestant: Stork?

Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak?

Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A".
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?

Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at dadagdagan ko pa! Anong pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S", nagtatapos sa letrang "A", at kapangalan ng isang sikat na singer?

Contestant: Si...Sharon Cuneta!

************

Host: Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess Grandmaster (Eugene Torre) of Asia?
Contestant: Carole KING?

Host: Hindi, mas mababa sa king.
Contestant: Al QUINN?

Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?

Host: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.
Contestant: BISHOP Bacani?

Host: Mas mababa sa bishop.
Contestant: Johnny MidNIGHT?

Host: Mas mababa sa Knight.
Contestant: Jerry PONS?

Host: Oh, ayan na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng piyesa sa Chess. Yung kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang.

Contestant: Sylvia laTORRE!

************

Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500 Peso bill? Clue, may initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)
Contestant: Nora Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa "Y".
Contestant: Guy Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Dati siyang Senador.
Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.
Contestant: ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!!

************ *

One more dagdag:

Host: What "K" (kalabaw) is the national animal of the Philippines?
Contestant: Kuto
Flag this post as off-topic

DA BEST OF INDAY...PART ONE

"How do I stop falling for someone? How do I defy the pull of gravity? Can I just flee? Flee before I hit the ground and suffer the pain? And tell myself: Why do I choose to fall in the first place when I know from the start that someone is never gonna be there to catch me anyway?"
-Tanong ni INDAY sa sarili niya nang ma-in love siya sa amo niya

"We used to think that life is a fairy tale. Full of magic, exciting, vivid! But that was a long time ago.
"Now we know that there is more to life than just ˜happily ever after". We've learned that we get wiser each day. And no fairy can lead us to a happy ending.
"We decide, we struggle, and somehow we begin to understand that we have the power to make each day better than yesterday. Good morning!"
Text ni INDAY sa kanyang textmate habang nagkakape

"Finding a perfect love? There is no perfect love! The only thing you can do to make it somehow perfect is to be satisfied!"
Paboritong quotation ni INDAY, bow!

Sa restaurant¦
Waiter: Ano po ang order nila, maam?
Amo:˜Yung fried chicken meal na lang. Ikaw, Inday, anong sa yo?
Inday: I would like to partake of a dish of sauteed pork and chicken boiled in thick essence of fermented soy and cane extracts, with copious amounts of garlic, onions and basil, sprinkled with fine spices and served with a generous helping of root crop and fragrant jasmine rice.
Waited: (natigalgal)
Amo: Iho, adobo with rice daw.

"Be shame of your speaking. Did you think that your English grammary are corrected by? It's better to keep your mouth shock! Connect me if I'm wrong!"
Babala ni MELANIE MARQUEZ kay INDAY.

Amo: Inday, bakit mo ibinenta yung sirang silya?
Inday: I have computed the chairs fair value less cost to sell, and the value in use using a five-year projection and a pre-tax discount rate. Accordingly, the value in use is lower, so I decided to sell the chair. This is in accordance with PAS 18 on Revenue, PAS 16 on Property, Plant and Equipment, and PAS 36 on Impairment of Assets.
AMO: (hindi naka-react)

JEEPNEY DRIVER: Hoy! Bakit P6 lang ang ibinayad mo? P7 na ang pamasahe ngayon!
INDAY: I am currently enrolled in a two-year vocational course in an academic institution. Therefore, I am a student, and by this fact, I am entitled to have the inalienable right to avail of a certain discount on my jeepney fare. This is why I provided a payment less than what you expected because that is according to the law, as stated in the fare matrix.
JEEPNEY DRIVER: Okey.

Morons! I was never raised by my mom to be a coquette! I'm nurtured with such dignity, respect and morality! Even poverty can't make me do such scandalous act!
"Sexy is from within. I don't rely on aesthetic products and on skimpy and scantily clad outfits. So pathetic!"
Banat ni INDAY nang alukin siyang mag-pose sa FHM.

ABANGAN ANG PART TWO :cheers:

EB ng Textmates

GIRL: Magsusuot ako ng Yellow
GUY: I'll wear Green

nagpunta sila sa Coffee Shop to meet. Dumating angPANGET na Babaeng naka YELLOW. Walang lalake na nakaGREEN.

Lumapit si GIRL sa isang GUY na naka RED at nag tanong:

Excuse me, Are you my Textmate?

GUY: Hindi! NakaGREEN ba ako??? HELLO!!!

hmmm partner d2 ka din pala..

muawahhhhhhhhhhh...

invite akuh ni iantot kagabi eh..

musta na partner..

belated xmas and new year 2 u partner..

cyahhhhhhhhhhh...tc..

Nasa fast food si Pacman at trip mag-value meal...

CREW: Good afternoon, sir! May I take your order? Please choose.

PACMAN: Letter... Letter...

CREW: What letter, sir?!

PACMAN: Sabi ko letter. Mamaya na lang.


-------------------------------------------------------


Dang!

Nanay: Bili ka ng Pork and Beans!

Boy Ngongo: Omo!

Pumunta si Boy Ngongo sa tindahan.

Boy Ngongo: Ngamuta o kayo?

Ali: Okey lang. Ano kailangan mo?

Boy Ngongo: MO & MEN

Ali: Ano?

Boy Ngongo: Iha ong MO & MEN

Ali: Di kita ma-gets, Boy!

Boy Ngongo: O ige o. Netter Mi as in Minimines [Philippines].

Ali: Ha?

Boy Ngongo: Mi! [Singing] “Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni, E, Em, Nye,…. E, Em, Mi, No, Mi!”

Ali: Ahhh. Letter P! Ituloy mo!

Boy Ngongo: Mi, Ngo!

Ali: Letter O! Tapos!?

Boy Ngongo: Arng!

Ali: Ah! P-O-R. Malapit na!

Boy Ngongo: Oo! MO & MEN! Unod, Ngey!

Ali: Letter A?

Boy Ngongo: Ini ho! Ngey!

Ali: Alam ko na! PORK and BEANS!

Boy Ngongo: Oo! MO & MEN!

Ali: Ay naku! WALA eh!

andrew4378 wrote:

DA BEST OF INDAY...PART ONE

Lupit nman ni Inday! wait ko na lang part 2 nya!,thanks 4 sharing!

DA BEST OF INDAY...PART TWO

"Never assure that love is enough to make someone stay or come back to you, because when pain strikes the heart, love fades away no matter how great it was"-- Sabi ni INDAY kay DODONG nang magdesisyon siyang makipag-break dahil nagkita niyang magkausap sina DODONG at EDERLYN.

Katxt ni INDAY si PACMAN
Inday: Eow Manny.
Pacman: Ho u? Wir ded u got my #?
Inday: Dis is Inday, im one of ur fans.
Pacman: Uh rile? Im hape 2 her dat.
Inday: Yeah, I juz want 2 wish u gud luck in ur upcoming bout wd Barrera.
Pacman: Tink u viry much. Pls pray dat I wen des fyt.
Inday: Yes, ill pray 4 ur victory. Rgardz 2 Ara, este JOKE lang!
Pacman: Kaw ha, pelya ka!
-- Ang bigat ni Inday, kabiruan na si Pacman!
"I tried my best to wait for you. I've shouted, but you didn't come out. You didn't even respond. Now you want me to go back?"
-- Sabi ng MAGTATAHO kay Inday!

FLASH REPORT!
Inday is alive! She's not yet dead. SOCO found out that the impostora of Inday was killed.
Ederlyn (Inday's kapitbahay) was the mastermind.
SOCO: Bakit mo ipinapatay si Inday?
Kasi, inagaw niya sa akin si EDERLYN: Dodong!
INDAY: Mythemaniac! He was never yours
EDERLYN: Dong, mahal kita. Di ba, mahal mo rin ako?
DODONG: I never... said... that I love you!

"Whoever is spreading the malicious news of my supposed death is really out of his/her mind. It is a hoax!
"I am right here, alive and kicking. I am here to stay longer!"
--Sagot ni INDAY sa balitang patay na siya

"We need to give due respect and the presumption of regularity to the verdict laid down against the former president.
"But guilty or not guilty, he will still be loved by people like me, people belonging to the masses."
Iyan ang sagot ni INDAY sa interbyu ng CNN sa kanya tungkol sa hatol kay ERAP.

"Moisturizing my lips is really an essential part of my beauty routine because spending long hours under bright lights dries them out."
Iyan ang emote ni INDAY sa salamin habang ginagamit ang imported na lipstick ng amo.

"I'm not extremely good-looking but I have a sense of humor. I'm not breathtakingly intelligent but I'm relatively witty.
"I'm not insanely rich but I'm fairly kind. I'm just a simple guy with a crazy elusive ambition of meeting your acquiantance. So, hi!"
Si DODONG, nakikipag-txtm8 kay INDAY

P500 = Globe plan subscription
P1,800 = glutathione tablet. orig. ha
P600 = Olay Total Effects.u really hav to try it
P1,500 = Crocs flip flops
P2,000 = for Mama
Bina-budget ni INDAY ang suweldo niya.

"It is in mistakes that we learn how to grow to be better individuals. You may judge me for what you perceive but it is not my mistake that determines who I am, rather, it is what I do to make things right."
Sabi ni INDAY nang makabasag siya ng pinggan.