compilation of jokes.........hirit na

Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"


"Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
ANAK: Tay ! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY: (Binatukan ang anak) Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"


Employee: Boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun pwesto sa manager natin na kamamatay lang?
Boss: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung papayag ang punerarya.


bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!

Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi ko.
Muntik na ako!


Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:
Bush: "Lets help one another..."
Erap: "Tayo'y magtulungan. .."
Bush: "...let's strive together..."
Erap: "...tayo'y magsikap..."
Bush: "...because in union there is strength."
Erap: "...dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"


Bongbong -- Pare sinong idol mo?
Chavit-- Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Bongbong-- Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
Chavit -- Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol ko.


Erap writing on a slum book:
Favorite Actor:
Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarzz... ... (erase)
Arnold Shwazenne... . ..(erase)
Arnold Shwazenner.. . ..(erase)
Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ..(erase)
Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)
Arnold Clavio

Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka
Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pre ~ sundutin mo tonsils mo (pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
Pare 1: Di pa rin e
Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo (pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)
Pare 1: Wala pa rin
Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo ule isundot sa bibig mo ... pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!


Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..bastaa pareho po yan walang laman!


Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang eh! (hihihihi! )


Sa isang mumurahing airline:
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: 'Yes' or 'No' lang po

ANG NAKARAAN....
May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang hinimatay ang elepante.
Ano ang ibinulong ng daga?
DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama!

SA PAGPAPATULOY. ...
Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala nya ang daga sa doctor.
Tuwang-tuwa ang elepante at masayang ibinulong sa daga ang resulta
ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila!

TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday! ?


TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.
JUAN: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine" Barbell. ?


ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.
FPJ: Anong problema?
ERAP: Walang picture, tsaka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to. Tsk, tsk...
FPJ: Anong title?
ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"


Junjun: Pa, may multo daw sa kusina natin?
Papa: Anak, sino naman nagsabi sayo nyan?
Junjun: Si Mama po!
Papa: Ay nako, wag ka nga magpapaniwala dun! Wala namang multo eh!
Ang mabuti pa samahan mo na lang ako sa kusina, at iinom lang ako ng tubig...

BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas....
TINDERO: Wala kame ubas
KINABUKASAN??
BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas.....
TINDERO: Wala kame ubas
KINABUKASAN ULIT??
BATA: Mama, pabili nga po ng ubas....
TINDERO: Sinabi na ngang wala e! Pag nagtanong ka pa, iistepler ko na yang bibig mo!
AT KINABUKASAN NA NAMAN ULIT??
BATA: Mama, may stapler kayo?
TINDERO: Wala..
BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas


PROMDI: Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko?!?!
Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana..... ha?!?!
ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...


MRS: Bakit ngayon ka lang?
MR: Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang. Hehe! Hik,
MRS: Lasing ka no?
MR: Ako, lashing? Hindi! Hik
MRS: Anong hindi?! La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates

Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit ako nabuntis?
Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.


Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime: Are you free tonight?
The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman FREE... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!


Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...
Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl!
Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba? Ha? Kilala ko siya!
Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Ambet!


Greg : Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
JoshuA: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?!


Host: Ano po ang maipaglilingkod ko sa inyo?
Tanda: Pwede ho bang manawagan?
Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?
Tanda: 98 y/o na po ako.
Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O, sige po... manawagan na kayo.
Tanda: Itay, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si Lolo sa inyo!


Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass, sinabi ng pari
patungkol sa namatay, "An honest man, a good man, a family man" et cetera.
Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, Pakisilip nga ang kabaong
kung ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!"

The Family is sitting at the dinner table...
the son asks his father, " DaD,
how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After fifties, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see
them, and they make you cry."



This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daugh ter says,
"Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother,
surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree??"



"Yes dear.......
Dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

astig nga mama fayet, sumakit tyan ko a

Parishioner: Father bakit may
nakasampay na daster, bra at panty sa
may
kumbento? may asawa ka?
Father: Kung aasa ako sa mga donasyon
nyo, di ako mabubuhay! Tumatanggap
akong labada!
_____

GF: I'm warning you! darating na si
daddy within 1 hour!
BF: Eh ano ngayon? eh wala naman
tayong ginagawang masama ah!
GF: Kaya nga! kung may plano ka,
DALIAN MO NA!!
_____

Nun: I was raped... what shall i do?
Mother Superior: Here, take this calamansi.
Nun: will this ease the pain?
Mother Superior: sipsipin mo! ng
mawala ngiti sa mukha mo , Bwiset!!!

thnx fayet..

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."

isang araw habang namamalengke sila kulas at ang kanyang nanay..

inay nalaglag poh yung bimpo ko! sabi ni kulas.

naku kulas, hayaan mo na yun at madumi na.

kaya hinayaan na ni kulas ang bimpo nya.

inay! inay! nalaglag poh yung twenty ko dun sa may kanal!sabi ulet ni kulas...

hayaan mo na yun at madumi na yun anak. sabi ng nanay ni kulas.

ng pauwi na sila, sumakay sila ng tricycle..

eh mejo malubak yung dinadaanan nila...

ng mapadaan sa humps...

inay, nalalaglag poh yung puto..sabi ni kulas.

hayaan mo na at madumi na yun. sabi ng nanay ni kulas.

ng mejo maganda na ang kalsada...pinaharurot ng driver ang tricycle..

hindi napansin ng driver na may lubak...

kulas! kulas! sabi ng driver..

poh bakit poh?

nalaglag ang nanay mo...

saan? ah..cge...hayaan mo na yun at madumi na xia..

sumakit tiyan ko sa mga jokes niyo sis Fayet,papa Lovey at sis Ailou nakakatuwa

Anak: Mommy, ang ganda ng bracelet mo. Bigay ba ni

Daddy 'yan?

Mommy: Ay naku anak, kung sa Daddy mo lang ako aasa,

baka pati ikaw wala sa mundong ito.



Ano sa Tagalog ang asawa? ("May bahay")

Ano naman ang kabit? ("May condo")



Doc: "Ano ang trabaho mo, iha?"

Girl: "Substitute po."

Doc: "Di kaya prostitute ?"

Girl: "Doc, Mommy ko ang prostitute. Kung hindi siya

puwede, ako ang pumapalit!"



In an obstetricians clinic:

Doc: "Hubad na, iha.. Huwag kang mag-alala...

I won't take advantage of you!"

Girl: "Saan ko po ilalagay ang panty at bra ko?"

Doc: "Diyan lang sa may tabi ng brief ko."

Sa seminario:

Madre: "Father, pagsabihan mo naman yung mga

seminarista. Umiihi sila sa pader!"

Father: "Sister naman. Maliit na bagay, huwag mo

nang pansinin!"

Madre: "Naku, Father, malalaki po!"



APO : Lolo, nagse-sex pa ba kayo ni Lola?

LOLO: Oo, pero "Oral" na lang. Pag-higa ko sa tabi

niya, sinasabi ko

"F_ck you" at sumasagot siya, "F_ck you too."



If VIAGRA is used to excite men, what is used to

excite women?

ANSWER: VIAGMO...



Cardinal Sin's wish when he dies is to have Mike and

Gloria arroyo on his side.

Gloria: We're honored but why us?

Sin: I want to die like Christ, with thieves on both sides.

OLD MAIDS PRAYER

Dear Lord. hindi ako hihiling para sa sarili ko,

kundi para po sa aking mga magulang.



Please lang po bigyan na ninyo sila ng

manugang! Amen.



BARTENDER: Sir, napansin ko bawat inom ninyo

tumitingin kayo sa bulsa ninyo.

MAN: Ahh, ito? picture ng Misis ko ito... pag

maganda na siya sa tingin ko, uuwi na ako.





GUY : Doc, hina ng tenga ko. Di ko marinig kahit utot ko.

DR. : Heto inumin mo ng isang linggo.

GUY : Lalakas na ang pandinig ko?

DR. : Hindi lalakas na ang utot mo!





Jinggoy: Dad, pang ilang Tirso Cruz na si Tirso Cruz III?

Erap :(natawa) trick question ba yan anak? Eh, di

pang-lima, kaya nga PIP ang tawag sa kanya, di ba?





Q: What is coup de etat in Japanese?

A: HU-NA-SAN

Q: What is coup d etat in Mexican?

A: GRINGO!



Dad: Mabait ba ang boyfriend mo?

Anak: Yes, Daddy.

Daddy: Maka-Diyos?

Anak: Sobra Dad.

Daddy: Nasaan siya?

Anak: Nandoon sa simbahan, nagmimisa!

Tay : Nawala na ang Inay mo, ngayon naman ikakasal ka na.

Anak: Tay ! Sa kabilang kanto lang naman ang bahay namin!

Tay : Hay, salamat! Magkikita pa rin kami ng yaya mo.



Sgt: Boss, nakatakas si Al-Ghozi.

Ong: Huh! Did you seal all exits?

Sgt: Yes, sir!

Ong: Eh paano siya nakatakas?

Sgt: Doon po kasi siya lumabas sa entrance.



Two young priests discussing prospects of celibacy.

P1: Do you think Vatican will allow us to get

married?

P2: Not in our generation, maybe our children!



A COW story:

America has COWboy and COWgirl.

England has madCOW.

China has MaCOW.

Russia has MosCOW .

But the Philippines has the cutest COWs: iCOW at aCOW.



Guro: Ibigay ang kahalagahan ng PERIOD!

Pupil: Nang hindi dum ating ang PERIOD ni Ate,

hinimatay si Mommy,

nastroke si Daddy, at nagbaril sa sarili yong pari namin!



Sabi ng Pari: Wag magsex sa tubig, di ka naman isda.

Wag sa damuhan di ka naman hayop.

Higit sa lahat, wag sa likod ng simbahan, di ka naman pari.



What makes a happy man:

daughter is on the cover of Cosmo;

son is on the cover of Sports Illustrated;

mistress is on the cover of Playboy; and

wife is on the list of Missing Persons.



Doc: Congrats! Tell your husband you're pregnant.

Lady: I'm single.

Doc: Tell your lover.

Lady: There's no lover.

Doc: OK, then. Tell your parents to prepare for the

second coming of Christ!




Jinggoy: Dad totoo bang may side effect ang Viagra?

Erap: Tanga, sa harap ang effect niyan hindi sa side.



A widow asked a lawyer about her late husband's will.

Lawyer: Your husband left 'all he had' to the

Home for the Aged.

Widow: But what about me?

Lawyer: You're "ALL HE HAD."

Erap: "Doc, I accidentally swallowed a chicken bone!"

Doc: "Is it choking?"

Erap: "No, it is Max's."

Doc: "I don't mean 'Chow King', I mean, are you choking..."

Erap: "No, Doc! Serioso ako, Doc!"



Sex is like mathematics:

Add the bed, minus the lights, subtract the

clothes, bring down the

panty, divide the legs, be ready to multiply...



Nagpayabangan ang tatlong daga:

Daga #1: "Kakainin ko ang keso sa mouse trap!"

Daga #2: "Ako, kakainin ko ang keso na may rat killer!"

Daga #3: "Manood kayo. Yayariin ko yung pusa!"



At their honeymoon:

60-yr old Pastor to his young bride: "Honey,

before we do it, let's first pray for guidance."

Young bride: "Darling, just pray for endurance,

I'll take care of the guidance!"

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!


oo nga naman hindi naman nahatulan ng life sentence yong prisoner....

It's dark in here ...

A housewife takes a lover during the day,
while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son
was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly,
so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside.
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again
that the boy and mom's lover are
in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is.
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000." The father says,
"That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest,
and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth
and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shi* again :devil:

tnx 4 sharing..

papa lovey priest ba yong lover ng mama niya?